A Broken Life
by QueenCate
Summary: Jackie finds a diary and grudgingly grows to respect someone she thought she hated. [OneShot, Jackie's POV, postBftP]


Veronica Mars is no angel, and yet everyone seems to think she is. Or at least, everyone in her little circle. I happen to know otherwise. I've heard the talk about her. Everyone has. But that's not how I know what Veronica Mars is really like. No, I actually saw first hand how controlling and intrusive and all-around annoying Veronica Mars truly is. Even her name is annoying. Just the way it fits together perfectly and how everyone seems to say it at least once a day. It's all Veronica Mars this and Veronica Mars that. No matter where in Neptune I go, I can't avoid hearing that damn name for too long. And now, everyone blames me for Wallace leaving, even though it wasn't my fault. At least not completely. Veronica had a big part in that. The girl just cannot be happy with what she has. A great dad, a best friend who would – and has – jump through hoops for her, and one of the hottest, most popular guys as her boyfriend with another one so obviously pining for her. Yes, Logan Echolls is still in love with Veronica Mars. Maybe no one else can tell, but I've had practice with reading between the lines back in Manhattan to know what a person is really feeling. Yeah, that's what I was doing instead of flying to Paris with my boyfriend and meeting Colin Firth at parties. I can't believe everyone believed that – although I probably shouldn't be, considering how good of a liar I am. Except for Veronica, that is. She didn't buy it. I could tell.

A sigh escapes my lips as I bend down and peek inside the plastic bag sitting on my front porch. It's the shirt I lent Veronica back when I was setting up my little practical joke. Of course she returned it. Wouldn't want people to think she wasn't nice to people she hated. I sighed again and pushed my key into the lock. I went to step inside, but something made me stop. My foot brushed against something and I glanced down. A book. I flipped it open and read the front page, my eyes widening slightly.

"_Private, Personal Journal of Veronica Mars. Stay Out! This Means You, Too, Lilly! And You, Dad!_" it said it neat, girly script.

"Oh, excellent!" I exclaimed. I flipped ahead a few pages, past the mandatory introduction every girl makes in the beginning of her diary.

_April 3, 2003_

_Duncan asked me to the Spring Dance! He called last night! I'm so happy, diary! This is amazing. Lilly seemed pretty stoked when I told her. She said maybe now he'll loosen up and little. She and Logan have a bet going on how long til we sleep together. She's so gross sometimes. But even she won't bring me down. I can't wait for the dance!_

I rolled my eyes at the simple naïveté of her entry, but at the same time I found myself intrigued. This was definitely not the Veronica Mars I unfortunately know. I hurried into the house and up to my room, settling in on my bed to read about Veronica Mars's perfect little life.

_April 15, 2003_

_Duncan did the sweetest thing today. He let this poor guy with no place to sit at lunch sit at our table instead of at an empty table. Logan made fun of him for it later, but Duncan just ignored him. I don't know what's wrong with Logan lately. Or Lilly, either, for that matter. She's acting so weird and secretive. More so than usual. She even asked the guidance counselor to switch her P.E. class for some reason. She won't even tell _me_ why! And ever since she started this double life or whatever, Logan's been a total jerk to pretty much everyone. Except me, Lilly, and Duncan. I don't know what his problem is. Duncan said he just has problems with his dad and I should just ignore him when he acts like a jackass. I feel bad for him if his life is as bad as Duncan says. Which is why I didn't slap him when he called that nice guy an ugly little twerp. It's just weird. Usually after they get back together, they can't keep their hands off each other. Now they just seem kinda distant._

Booooring, I thought, skipping ahead a few pages, skimming their contents as she went. "Let's see, Duncan was still a virgin, whoa, wasn't expecting that one! Lilly and Logan broke up again. Veronica and Lilly made fake IDs. Ooooh, juicy!"

_September 23, 2003_

_I don't understand it, diary. Duncan dumped me. He didn't even have the courtesy to tell me, either! He just started ignoring me, not answering my phone calls, and just all around avoiding me. It makes no sense. Last night on the phone, he was normal and then today, BAM! I don't exist. Lilly was pissed at first but then I guess she talked to Duncan and now she says it's for the best and I should just drop. But how can I? I love him! And I know he loves me. Which is why this makes no sense. Lilly did warn me this might happen, that Celeste might break us up, but I figured he would at least try to explain if it did happen. Maybe Celeste isn't behind this…Maybe he just doesn't like me anymore. Great, now I'm depressed _and_ insecure. Break-ups suck. And I think Logan and Lilly are headed for another. Just terrific._

"Or maybe he just had it up to here with your holier-than-thou attitude." I smiled slightly, but didn't feel the joy I had expected in reading about Veronica's misery. Maybe I was starting to like this old Veronica? No, that was impossible. I cannot like Veronica Mars, not even the original version. It's like committing a sin. No, I'm just tired, that's all. I turned a few pages and randomly picked one to start reading from.

_October 3, 2003_

_Wow, I actually had a good day today. It was the pep squad car wash and Lilly and I were partners. Like 12 guys gave us their phone numbers. Lilly put them in her bra for 'safe-keeping.' Yeah, she and Logan are definitely going to be breaking up soon. Speaking of Logan, I thought I saw his car driving through town before, but it turned the corner before I could be sure. I was probably seeing things, though. He's in Mexico with Dick and Cassidy. And Lilly says she has a secret to tell me. Knowing Lilly, it's gonna be something good. Crap, I gotta go. My dad's taking me to dinner and then dropping me off at a coffee shop to meet Lilly. She'll probably tell me what her secret is. I'm kinda getting a bad feeling about this, though. Gotta run!_

October 3rd…that date sounds familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on why. I glanced down and noticed the entry continued on the next page. Curious, I started reading again.

_October 3, 2003_

_She's gone. Lilly – my Lilly – is dead. I just It hasn't really processed yet. I saw her body, lying there by the pool. And the blood. God, there was so much of it. It just surrounded her, ruining the hair she had spent countless hours and money on. But she wasn't able to care. I knew something was wrong when Dad got the call to go to the Kane's, but I didn't think it was serious until I saw Duncan, just sitting there like the shell of a person he's become. I tried to find out what was wrong but he wouldn't say anything. He wouldn't even look at me. So I walked into the kitchen, not missing the sympathetic looks of the Dad's deputies. And then I was running, although I can't remember telling my legs to do so, heading as if on instinct to the pool. And that's when I saw her. How I wish that I hadn't._

_October 8, 2003_

_I really don't know how to start. Everything is so different. It's so hard, learning how to do everything over again, without Lilly. She was the ying to my yang, the Shawn to my Cory, my best friend. I know understand all those books I read for school about people who feel empty after losing someone weren't corny. They were actually very realistic. I miss her. And no matter what everyone says, it won't go away. Dull slightly, maybe, but it will never go away. I loved Lilly and you can't just forget a person you love, which makes the pain impossible to forget, too. Her funeral was today. I sat near the front with my mom and dad. I saw Logan across the aisle with his parents. Trina was out of the country and couldn't – or more likely, wouldn't – come home. He looked at me for a second and I smiled. My first smile since that night. It hurt, both emotionally and physically. He smiled back and I knew it was his first, too. Duncan stared straight ahead the entire time, moving his head on to do what I suspect was wiping away tears. I almost gasped when I saw him from the front when he and his parents stepped forward to throw flowers onto her casket. He looks like he's lost at least ten pounds. His suit, once perfectly fitted, now hung loose on his muscular frame. Sound pretty poetic, don't I? I guess grief can do that to a person. I just really miss her. There's no other way to say it. I miss Lilly._

The word 'Lilly' at the end was smudged and I realized it was a result of a tear falling onto it. I was surprised to see the word next to it smudge. I lifted my hand to my cheek. It was wet. I was crying. I was actually crying for Veronica Mars. How had a few short diary passages made me do a 180 from hatred to sorrow for her?

_October 22, 2003_

_I am no longer an 09'er. They have officially ostracized me. I've seen it happen before, but I never imagined it would happen to me. After all, I was Lilly's best friend and Duncan's girlfriend. I guess things change._

_November 13, 2003_

_The crime scene video of Lilly's murder was leaked onto the web. Two guys were watching it in the library. Logan stopped me when I tried to run and asked what's wrong with us, meaning me and dad. He told me that that was his girlfriend and Duncan's sister and my friend. As if I could forget that. He's the one that's forgotten. He's the one that abandoned me. But I didn't say any of that, though I wish I did. Instead I ran for the bathroom and disposed of the contents of my stomach._

_December 3, 2003_

_Dad lost his job because he went after Jake Kane for Lilly's murder. Deputy Lamb has it now. Neptune is going down the craphole._

_December 7, 2003_

_I was raped. Last night at a party, somebody drugged and raped me. And when I told Lamb, he told me to go see the Wizard and ask for some backbone. Dick. I hate this town. Oh, and some lovely people destroyed my car._

_January 5, 2004_

_Today was the first day back after Christmas break and I got to try out my New Year's Resolution. Take no prisoners or crap from anyone, especially Logan Echolls. I've transformed into the person Lilly always claimed I was. She even named this new me: Veronica Mars 2.0. Yeah, I know, it's not original. But I like it. And the greatest thing happened today. I remembered something about Lilly and instead of tears, I smiled. And then I called Logan a jackass and politely asked him to shut his face. I think I like Me 2.0._

I couldn't read anymore. It had this ability to make me understand and even sort of _like_ Veronica Mars, something I hadn't thought possible. I knew bits and pieces of what had happened, but not the whole story. Just the distorted public version. And even that didn't really hit home until I read it in Veronica's own words. I knew now why she acted the way she did. It was to protect herself. Just like me. Maybe we weren't going to be best friends – thank God – but I respected her now. And that was something. Veronica Mars is definitely no angel, she's just human.


End file.
